Accidental Exile

Note: This poem is written about a specific occurrence from this past summer. It does not in any way represent my usual state of mind; only what happens when my tendency to be shy and socially awkward comes into conflict with my occasional desire to actually spend time with other people.
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Accidental Exile

I sit alone

In the middle of a group of friends.

I fake a smile

And listen as they talk:

Around me,

Past me,

Through me.

I try to think of words to say,

Of a key to let me in to this conversation,

But it’s hard to talk

When you know nothing about the subject

And there’s no space to get a word in anyway.

And so, I stay silent

And pretend that I don’t mind.

Later

I sit alone again,

Hidden away in my room.

I chose to come;

No one chased me away

With hurtful words and jeers.

I chose to come;

Chose self-imposed exile

Over invisibility.

But

Through window,

Through door,

Down the halls,

And around corners,

I see them, hear them:

Others together,

Watching movies, playing games, studying-

Not alone.

I chose to come,

But knowing that doesn’t help,

Because my internet friends feel farther away than ever,

And music isn’t the same as conversation.

A friend enters,

And I jump up, asking questions.

She tells me of another friend not feeling well

And I ask to help,

But she says no,

No,

Everything’s fine now.

She tells of their plans,

And I know I cannot join in,

So I do not bother to ask.

She would say no,

No,

It’s already crowded in there.

She leaves,

And I return to my screen,

Reminding myself that it’s my choice-

That I’m not allowed to watch that show anyway-

That I’ll be fine alone.

I always am.

Why is it so hard?

Alone was always good enough before;

Why not now?

My books, my characters, my computer;

They were friends enough before.

Why no longer?

Why is it so hard?

Why can’t others see?

Why can’t others hear?

I’m here!

I’m not invisible!

My silence doesn’t mean

I have nothing to say.

It just means I don’t know how to say it,

And you won’t give me the chance.

I ask to join you-

In my way-

But you don’t hear me,

Or you don’t realize what I mean:

Please,

Please, I want more

Than a book and a computer screen.

Please,

Please, I want to join you,

To talk and laugh

And play games with a real person-

Not just another username

On the other side of the internet.

Not just another character

Who cannot leave the page.

Please,

Please, just for a little while,

I don’t want to be alone.

I ask,

But you don’t hear me.

I know,

It’s not all their fault.

It’s mine.

I should try harder-

Speak louder-

Ask more questions-

Make myself known, not wait to be noticed.

I know.

But it’s hard to step out

And easy to hide

And so I convince myself that

Alone is better than invisible,

Better than feeling like an awkward fool,

And I remain

Alone.