Accidental Exile

Note: This poem is written about a specific occurrence from this past summer. It does not in any way represent my usual state of mind; only what happens when my tendency to be shy and socially awkward comes into conflict with my occasional desire to actually spend time with other people.
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Accidental Exile

I sit alone

In the middle of a group of friends.

I fake a smile

And listen as they talk:

Around me,

Past me,

Through me.

I try to think of words to say,

Of a key to let me in to this conversation,

But it’s hard to talk

When you know nothing about the subject

And there’s no space to get a word in anyway.

And so, I stay silent

And pretend that I don’t mind.

Later

I sit alone again,

Hidden away in my room.

I chose to come;

No one chased me away

With hurtful words and jeers.

I chose to come;

Chose self-imposed exile

Over invisibility.

But

Through window,

Through door,

Down the halls,

And around corners,

I see them, hear them:

Others together,

Watching movies, playing games, studying-

Not alone.

I chose to come,

But knowing that doesn’t help,

Because my internet friends feel farther away than ever,

And music isn’t the same as conversation.

A friend enters,

And I jump up, asking questions.

She tells me of another friend not feeling well

And I ask to help,

But she says no,

No,

Everything’s fine now.

She tells of their plans,

And I know I cannot join in,

So I do not bother to ask.

She would say no,

No,

It’s already crowded in there.

She leaves,

And I return to my screen,

Reminding myself that it’s my choice-

That I’m not allowed to watch that show anyway-

That I’ll be fine alone.

I always am.

Why is it so hard?

Alone was always good enough before;

Why not now?

My books, my characters, my computer;

They were friends enough before.

Why no longer?

Why is it so hard?

Why can’t others see?

Why can’t others hear?

I’m here!

I’m not invisible!

My silence doesn’t mean

I have nothing to say.

It just means I don’t know how to say it,

And you won’t give me the chance.

I ask to join you-

In my way-

But you don’t hear me,

Or you don’t realize what I mean:

Please,

Please, I want more

Than a book and a computer screen.

Please,

Please, I want to join you,

To talk and laugh

And play games with a real person-

Not just another username

On the other side of the internet.

Not just another character

Who cannot leave the page.

Please,

Please, just for a little while,

I don’t want to be alone.

I ask,

But you don’t hear me.

I know,

It’s not all their fault.

It’s mine.

I should try harder-

Speak louder-

Ask more questions-

Make myself known, not wait to be noticed.

I know.

But it’s hard to step out

And easy to hide

And so I convince myself that

Alone is better than invisible,

Better than feeling like an awkward fool,

And I remain

Alone.

THAW: Winter's Child and Winter's Queen Review

Winter's Child:  

A barren king and queen pray for a child, and when in their loneliness, they make one out of snow, their prayers are answered in a special, and unusual way. 

Sometimes, when we get what we wish for, we don't know what to do with it.

Winter Queen:

A slightly pampered girl allows her avoidance behavior to isolate her from the world... and it's only when she takes the final step that she realizes the wall she's built in the name of safety is also the one that will hold her prisoner forever... unless she discovers how to destroy it.

The only one who can break a neurosis... is the one who has it.  

Winter's Child and Winter Queen are the first two books in E. Kaiser Writes's Thaw series, which combines and retells the stories of Frozen, "The Snow Queen", and another little-known fairytale, "The Snow Baby". I like how the author mixed these old and new fairytales, using each one to build on the others and adding her own unique elements. I particularly liked the use of "The Snow Baby" to explain how Ilise (inspired by Frozen's Elsa) got her powers in the first place. Both books have a very classic fairytale feel as well, which was also nice.

Unfortunately, Winter's Child, the first book in the series, didn't wow me, mostly because I felt it could've been fleshed out a lot more. Most of the book is spent jumping from one place and time to another, with the result that I never felt like I got to know any of the characters really well. Several times, one character or another would do something and I'd wonder: "Where did that come from? That's not who I thought you were." Probably the best part of Winter's Child is the royal family of Demargen. I love large families in literature, and the Demargen family is an excellent, well done example of that.

Thankfully, my issues with Winter's Child are mostly cleared up in Winter Queen. The story flowed nicely, and I feel like I got to know the characters much better. Once again, Hess, prince of Demargen, was probably my favorite part of the story. The author handled his development very well, and I felt genuinely sorry for him at the end of the book. (Note: the third book in the series focuses solely on Hess, which makes me happy. I want to see him get better again.) Ilise and her gradual "thaw" were also fairly well done, though not quite as smooth as Hess's development.

One final note about both books is that I wish the author had run them by an editor/proofreader one last time before publication. Maybe it's just my copies, but both Winter's Child and Winter Queen had just enough issues with missing words and possible grammatical errors to bug me.

Overall, Winter's Child and Winter Queen together make up a nice retelling that combines new and old fairytales. If you enjoy Frozen or fairytale retellings, you'll probably like these books as well.

Of Words that Deserve More Use

Just about anyone who reads my blog probably knows I love words- I am a writer and bookworm, after all.
Often in my literary journeys I come across awesome words that, sadly, don't get used very much. Today, I thought I'd highlight five of these words that I think are especially fun and that I'd like to try to use more.

1. Collywobbles. Say this word out loud- go on; I know you want to. Isn't it fun? Admittedly, the meaning of the word isn't so pleasant; if you have the collywobbles, you've got a bellyache or upset stomach. So, it's not a word you want to have to use- but if I or someone I know must be sick this way, "collywobbles" certainly sounds better than "bellyache" or "stomach bug".
2. Ripsnorter. Eleven-year-old-me thought this sounded like an insult . . . but it's really just the opposite. In fact, ripsnorter means something extraordinary or exciting. To my mind, it also sounds like it should be terrifically fun or funny. For example: "Last night's Nerf war was awesome, a real ripsnorter!"
3. Rapscallion. Like collywobbles, rapscallion- meaning a rascal or ne'er-do-well- isn't a word you want to have to use often, no matter how enjoyable it is to say. Then again, it's an excellent word to describe certain book characters I could name.
4. Splendiferous. I discovered this word, which means "extraordinarily or showily impressive" in a Redwall book- Taggerung, to be exact. I actually used it a lot when I first learned it, but it eventually fell out of my regular vocabulary (coincidentally around the same time that people started disappearing from the forum where I said it most). It's a fun word, so I'd definitely like to start using it more again.  
5. Kerfuffle. Meaning "disturbance or fuss", particularly one that's getting more attention than it deserves, this is a good way to describe what happens when I get stressed over physics or my tendency to procrastinate. Like collywobbles, it's a fun word for a not-so-fun situation. As a bonus: its language of origin is Scottish Gaelic. How cool is that?

What are some of your favorite words that you think deserve more use? Please tell me in the comments!
Thanks for reading!
-Sarah (Leilani Sunblade)   

A Hero's Measure

Not too long ago, I was challenged by Allison Ruvidich to name my ten favorite literary heroes. This, of course, brings up the question: What makes a hero? Allison chose to define it by a character's courage, a fairly good measuring stick, since it'll affect so many of his (or her) choices. I, however, decided to take a different route: picking the first ten characters who come to mind when I think of heroes, and then trying to pinpoint one particular heroic trait that I think each exemplifies.

1. A hero is humble. Frodo Baggins (The Lord of the Rings) is a humble hobbit of the Shire, and he never makes any claims otherwise. When he agrees to take the Ring to Mordor, it's not out of any desire to be a hero. He simply recognizes the responsibility before him and accepts it. Throughout his quest, he seeks guidance from those wiser than he whenever he can. And at its end, he desires no grand accolades; he simply wishes for peace and home.
2. A hero is loyal. Of course, as we all know, "Frodo wouldn't have got far without Sam"! Samwise Gamgee (The Lord of the Rings), like Frodo, isn't in this quest for glory. He's in it because he made a promise: to stick by Frodo to the bitter end- and that's exactly what he does, no matter what stands in his way.
3. A hero is imperfect. Prince Lionheart (Tales of Goldstone Wood) isn't half the hero he might like to be. He tries, true, but ultimately fails . . . and he knows it. It's not until he acknowledges that he can't do it on his own that he becomes the hero he's meant to be- but once he does that (in Moonblood), the change is evident immediately as he charges off to save his friend with no thought for himself. It's also clear in Shadow Hand, when he sets aside his own plans and accepts that his Master has given him a different Path than what he expected.
4. A hero serves others. Aragorn (The Lord of the Rings) may be the rightful king of Gondor, but the paths he chooses to walk are anything but the marble halls of a royal castle. No, he instead spends his days as a Ranger, protecting the Shire and other northern lands from fearsome foes. It's a cold, hard, lonely life, and he gets little thanks for it- many of the folk he protects, in fact, treat him with suspicion or hostility. Yet he willingly keeps on doing it. And later, during the Fellowship's travels and his encounters with Rohan, he does not force his way to a position of leadership but rather puts himself under others, serving in whatever ways he's needed. Even when he finally reaches Gondor, he does not go marching in to reclaim his throne; instead, he enters the city only to help treat the wounded.
5. A hero faces the impossible. Most people would think twice before taking on the psuedo-god who's ruled the world for the last thousand years. Not Kelsier (Mistborn). He gladly accepts the challenge- not just of figuring out how to overthrow the Lord Ruler but of figuring out how to kill him. Even when his own team thinks it's too big a task, he convinces them to give their best. And even after calamity strikes and all his plans seem to have fallen apart, he doesn't give up. And in the end, it's because of his willingness to attempt something seemingly impossible that something even bigger is set in motion.   
6. A hero protects others. From the very first time we meet him, Kaladin (The Stormlight Archive) always seems to be trying to protect someone: his squad, his brother, his bridge crew, the list goes on. If he's not, he's probably dwelling on how he couldn't protect everyone, how people keep dying around him even though he'd willingly take their places. At one point, despair over these failures drives him to almost give up- but he doesn't. He keeps doing his best to protect those who need it- even, in the end, some people who he'd have been glad to see dead.
7. A hero sets an example. Professor Charles Hamilton (Dragons in Our Midst) is pretty all-around awesome, but he's at his best when guiding and teaching Billy and his friends, sharing both his (extensive) knowledge and his faith. The effect of his influence is clear through all the books; without Professor Hamilton's guidance, Billy and other characters would neither have succeeded in their quests or have grown in their faith as much as they did.
8. A hero does her duty. Masayi Sairu (Tales of Goldstone Wood) has been raised for a single purpose: to protect her eventual master- or, as it turns out, mistress- but when it comes time for her to fulfill that purpose, it's little like what she expected. Nevertheless, Sairu does her best to carry out her duty, even though she doesn't know who or what she's protecting her mistress from. She stays true to her task no matter what, even when it means giving up her dreams, even when it brings her into conflict with a foe she never prepared to face. 
9. A hero loves the unlovable. Dame Imraldera (Tales of Goldstone Wood) could qualify as a hero for a number of reasons, but the biggest reason is her willingness to love others. We see this first in Moonblood, as she cares for Lionheart, whose largest claim to fame at the time is making some very major mistakes. It's even better shown in Starflower, in which Imraldera's ability to love others- even monsters, even dragons, even villains- is a deciding factor in the story's outcome.
10. A hero makes sacrifices. At the beginning of The Door Within, Captain Valithor is already well known throughout the Realm as a hero, perhaps even a legend. He's the best of the Allebian knights, Sentinel to King Eliam himself, and his exploits in battles against the forces of Paragory show why. But what truly makes him a hero is his willingness to sacrifice, to put others before himself- no matter what the cost might be.

I should probably pass this along, but I don't know who to tag. So, I'll open it up to whoever wants to make a post answering the question: Who are your top ten favorite literary heroes? Of course, if you don't want to make a post, that's fine too, but I'd still love to hear your answer in the comments.
Thanks for reading!
-Sarah (Leilani Sunblade)  

Quick Request

We interrupt your regularly scheduled blog posts for this special news announcement.



A friend of mine, Alexandria Buller, made a video as part of a contest to win a full-tuition scholarship at Abilene Christian University. In this touching video, she talks about some of her experiences caring for orphaned or impoverished kids while she and her family were serving as missionaries in Liberia.



She made it to the finals, which means now she needs some help to keep advancing. To help, you can like her video on YouTube, share it from YouTube, or vote for her on the ACU site. The deadline for this is really tight- January 21- so if you could take a few minutes right now to do that, I know she'd really appreciate it (and I would as well). Thanks!



We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

Random Fridays: YA Would You Rather

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Happy Dragon Appreciation Day! This week's Random Friday theme, sadly, has nothing to do with dragons, but it is really fun: YA Would You Rather? I love "would you rather"/"this or that" games, so I'm super excited to answer Emma's WYR questions.

Would you rather . . .

. . . go to Panem or the world of Divergent?

No question: Divergent world, any day. It's a mess, sure, but it's less than a mess than Panem, and I think I'd have a considerably higher chance of survival.

 

. . . read/reread the Matched trilogy or The Selection trilogy?

Reread The Selection trilogy. I read the first Matched book, and though I'm halfheartedly considering reading the rest of the trilogy in hopes that it'll get better, I'd rather reread The Selection books.

. . . go on an adventure with Hermione or Cinder?

Pffffff. Is that even a question? Cinder, definitely!

. . . be a Gallagher Girl or go to Hogwarts?

Gallagher Girl, as I'm not a Harry Potter fan. Besides, being a spy would be cool. (Though I'd probably be less inclined towards fieldwork and more inclined towards tactics, intelligence analysis, etc.)

. . . be in Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw?

I haven't read HP, so . . . Google to the rescue! From what I read on the Harry Potter wiki, I'd probably go for Ravenclaw.

. . . spend your wish on Disney World or Amsterdam?

I don't know. Probably Amsterdam; the Netherlands are pretty high on my places-I'd-like-to-go list.

. . . date Captain Thorne or Levi (from Fangirl)?

Ooh, that's a hard question. I love Captain Thorne, but I just looked up Levi on Wikipedia (since I haven't read Fangirl), and he sounds really nice. I guess I'll go with Captain Thorne because, y'know, Thorne. 

. . . go back in time to The Book Thief or Grave Mercy?

Grave Mercy. I haven't read it (or The Book Thief, for that matter), but it's set in just-past-medieval times, so it would be cook to visit that time period. Also, I really wouldn't want to live through World War II.

What would your answers to these questions be? Please tell me in the comments, or make your own Random Fridays post!
Thanks for reading!
-Sarah (Leilani Sunblade)  

Dragon Appreciation Day!

Hello, everyone! Tomorrow is Dragon Appreciation Day! This celebration of dragons was started in 2004 by Donita K. Paul, an awesome Christian fantasy author, in honor of the release of DragonSpell. It's a day to celebrate dragons in literature, whether by reading about them, making art featuring them, or by doing something else dragon related. In honor of the day- and to help you figure out how to celebrate- I thought I'd tell you about some of my favorite dragon-related books.

The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien. 

The best place to start is always with the classics- and anyway, who doesn't love Smaug? (Inasmuch as you can love an evil, fire-breathing dragon, anyway.) Or, if you like, you could also try "Farmer Giles of Ham", a short story Tolkien wrote concerning a farmer who's pushed into being a hero when a dragon turns up near his village.

Heartless or Golden Daughter by Anne Elisabeth Stengl.  

Heartless especially. The Dragon is the most terrifying dragon I've ever encountered, and for that reason, he's also my favorite dragon (just barely beating out Smaug). Of course, both these books feature dragons other than the Dragon, though they're less terrifying because- well, fans of Goldstone Wood know why, and anyone else will just have to read the books to find out.

The DragonKeeper Chronicles or Chiril Chronicles by Donita K. Paul

Of course, we can't leave out the books that actually started Dragon Appreciation Day! My favorite part of both of these series is probably the minor dragons. They're so CUTE, especially Gymn. And I know that "cute" and "dragon" are not words one would generally put together, but . . . cute! dragons! It's like cute kittens, only better, because dragons. (Coincidentally, minor dragons also inspired certain dragons in my own writing. I squee over them- well, one of them- too.)

Dragons in Our Mist and sequel series by Bryan Davis

This is the series I'll probably be celebrating with, since it's been on my to-be-reread list for a long while. I love DioM and its sequel series; Mr. Davis is an amazing author, and I love the way he combines Biblical truths, ancient legend, and modern-day fantasy adventure into one great story. (Well, series of stories.) Also, the DioM and sequel series have the most dragons-as-major-characters of any book or series on this list.

Seraphina by Rachel Hartman

I mentioned this book in my Top Ten Books/Series of 2014 post, and what I said there still stands: Seraphina is awesome, and the dragons aren't quite like any others I've read. There are similarities, true, but they're still very much unique. The worldbuilding is also very good- not Sanderson or Tolkien level, but impressive all the same.

Are you going to do to celebrate Dragon Appreciation Day? How? What are your favorite dragon-related books? Please tell me in the comments!
Nai haryuvalyë melwa rë!

-Sarah (Leilani Sunblade)   

THAW Series Launch!

Hello, everyone! I'm finally breaking my silence to join the blog hop for a new fairytale retelling series that just released this weekend: Thaw, by E. Kaiser Writes!

The Thaw series, books 1-3:

 Winter's Child

A barren king and queen pray for a child, and when in their loneliness, they make one out of snow, their prayers are answered in a special, and unusual way. 

 Sometimes, when we get what we wish for, we don't know what to do with it.

Winter's Queen

A slightly pampered girl allows her avoidance behavior to isolate her from the world... and it's only when she takes the final step that the realizes the wall she's built in the name of safety is also the one that will hold her prisoner forever... unless she discovers how to destroy it.

 The only one who can break a neurosis... is the one who has it.

Prince of Demargen

The whole world knows his guilt, and is absolutely correct about it, but how far can a man go to regain respect so swiftly lost?
 Or is an honorable death the best a fallen star can hope for?

 The only person who can help him... is the one he most deeply wronged.

I'm always excited for new fairy tale remakes, and these ones sound really cool (pun very much intended). They retell the stories, "The Snow Maiden", "The Snow Queen" (of Frozen fame), "Snegurken" (which I had to look up because I've never heard of it), and others. Since I haven't seen a lot of retellings of these fairy tales, I'm eager to find out what the Thaw series will be like. Apparently, there's also going to be a spin-off series with retellings of "The Twelve Dancing Princesses", "Cinderella", "Rapunzel", and possibly others, which I'm nearly as excited about. (Anyone want to guess which one in particular I'm most looking forward to?)  On her site, the author describes the series as "a ride into the world of the unknown, on glittering icy swans and a wind that can blow you anywhere you'd least expect it"- sounds like lots of fun to me!

So, who else is excited for the Thaw series? While you're waiting to check it out, be sure to click through the rest of the blog hop and enter the Rafflecopter giveaway for a chance to win one of six copies of this series! You can also connect with E. Kaiser Writes on her blog, her website, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Goodreads.  

Thanks for reading!

-Sarah (Leilani Sunblade)  

Merry Christmas

 

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Christmas Music!

Christmas is almost here- there's less than a week left to wait! To make the time go faster, I thought I'd share about one of my favorite parts of the Christmas season: the music. I'd happily listen to Christmas music all year round, except that then it wouldn't be Christmas music anymore. (Also, my family holds to the "no Christmas music before Thanksgiving" thing.) Anyway, for your enjoyment, here are seven of my favorite Christmas songs!

1. "The Promise" by Michael Card

If any Christmas music could be given the title of "epic", I think it would be this song. It's beautiful and, in a way, powerful. I just love everything about it: the melody, the lyrics- especially the chorus- and the whole feel of it. It also sounds like something that could be sung by one or two of my favorite novel characters, which is a bonus- not many Christmas songs have that distinction.

2. "Joyful, Joyful, We Adore Thee" by PureNRG

I don't think a lot of people have heard of this song, which is sad, because it's really awesome. I love how triumphant it sounds, particularly the last verse.

3. "Joy to the World" 

This is actually one of the first Christmas songs I remember learning. When I was a really little girl- maybe four or five years old- my Sunday school class (and maybe the class above mine as well) learned four Christmas songs to sing in front of the church. This is the one that's stuck with me the most. My favorite part is the third verse, though it seems to be left out a lot (at least in my experience). It's a great reminder that, even if the world is messed up, it won't be forever.

4. "Merry Christmas" by Third Day

This is just a really sweet song. It and two other similarly themed songs- "All I Really Want" by Steven Curtis Chapman and "This Christmas" by TobyMac- are some of my favorite modern Christmas songs just because they're so touching. They also remind me of some of my novel characters, coincidentally. (Though, as I think the songs came first, maybe the songs influenced my creation of the characters and I just didn't realize it . . .)

5. "Christmas Ceilidh" by Celtic Christmas

I discovered Celtic Christmas music about two years ago, and it- like most Celtic music- is lovely. This is the only song I could find on YouTube from my favorite Celtic Christmas album. (This one, by the way. It's super cheap to download it digitally; I definitely recommend it.) Thankfully, it happens to be one of my favorites from the album. I love the pictures it creates in my mind of the friends gathered for their Christmas celebration, their singing and enjoyment of one another.

6. "Carol of the Bells" by BarlowGirl

To me, this song sounds really eerie for a Christmas song, but that's why I love it. It gives me this image in my head- almost a story, but I can't quite turn it into words yet. I imagine the darkness gathering, trying to snuff out the light- but it's stopped by the bells and their reminder of the Light. Or something like that. Eventually I'll figure it out- I hope.

7. "Christmas is Coming"- traditional

  I like the Danny Byram version best, but it's not on YouTube. This one is pretty good, though. It's just a fun little song, and I can imagine it echoing from one corner to another of a busy village square in some English town of a hundred-odd years ago. (It'll also get stuck in your head, and you'll likely be humming it the rest of the day. You're welcome.)

What are your favorite Christmas songs? Please tell me in the comments!
Thanks for reading!
-Sarah (Leilani Sunblade)